Balancing on a Pin

balance is as elusive in heart failure as it is in life and in our world.  I have to listen carefully for it. There isn’t any margin for error, such as I  had when younger, healthier. I can’t overextend and make it up. I need to think about the sodium in everything I eat.  I must measure how much fluid I consume in my coffee cup, my yogurt, my water glass. My doctors handle the complex meds, made more difficult by my very low blood  pressure. The rest is up to me.

I think about things like how to live the life I have fully.  There are subtle but powerful notes of Grace in this contracted life that heart failure offers.  I’ve written before about mindfulness as an accessible adjunct to HF. I have time to watch the trees sway in the wind today, to watch the raindrops cluster on my twinkle lights, to scratch the ears of my labrador when he nudges my hand as I write. I love love love reading near my husband in quiet companionship.  We put our books down to sing along with a favorite song on Pandora: Van Morrison’s Tupelo Honey. Truthfully, there aren’t enough hours in my day to notice all that there is in my contracted world. Yet I know that contracture can turn into an arid space. I don’t want to just whittle down my life.

I love the word abundance.  Think about how much a mindset of scarcity impacts our world and our lives.  I-don’t-have-enough-thinking leads to a posture of drawing in, protecting our borders and shutting out others.  So what can I do? How can I create an abundance mindset? Coffee ends up being a good place to start. I have a morning coffee ritual (decaf) that is dear to me.  I buy good beans and grind them fresh. I add a touch of cocoa powder and cream. I love it. Even more, I share this ritual with my neighbor, who is my dear friend.  Coffee, then, has also become connection for me: Vital on many levels.

The first thing I did was to measure  out the amount of water I use to make my giant cup of coffee.  I’ll admit I was a bit shocked by how much water this entails. I’m allowed two liters daily, and that includes any beverage or wet food such as yogurt, jello, cooked oatmeal, soup.  It goes quickly. But my coffee is JOY, first thing in the day, before that awful lasix hits, before I dissolve my potassium pills into my yogurt, before my HF pills knock down my blood pressure again.  I decide to reserve the water for coffee. Can’t put a price on Joy.  

The second thing I do is to measure my remaining water (after factoring in the yogurt), into two cups, one of which I put away for the afternoon/evening.  I’m seeking the abundant feeling of a big glass of water, minus the dreaded feeling of knowing my fluid allotment is dwindling. I accomplish this by splitting my water into those two cups.  I feel luxurious sipping my water.

Of course, I can’t figure out all of this stuff out on my own.  I hum the Beatles lyrics “I get by with a little help from my friends” as if it is my mantra.  My brilliant coffee drinking neighbor came up with the idea of asking the doctor for permission to take in a few more cups of fluid a week so that we can go out to our favorite coffee shop and indulge. I love that idea:  An indulgence instead of a failure to follow rules. More abundance thinking.

Meanwhile, my friend’s husband, who loves to cook, has been figuring out meals for me.  In truth, he’s just straight up shopping and cooking for me. Even more, I can see now that he has been teaching me abundance.  I’m not just cutting out salt, I’m adding in wonderful foods. My first thought had been to order from a medical meal service. I was so tired.  I didn’t think I could cook. He just knew. The pre-packaged meals were depressingly bad. Without his help, I would have just sucked those down.  My poor hubby would’ve been stuck with lean cuisine. Bit by bit, my neighbor is teaching me that the investment of time and energy in cooking is worth it; that he’s there to help me with meal ideas; that cooking can be entertaining even now, even when I thought I couldn’t manage. Also, cooking is now filled with connection. Now it’s true that I haven’t really cooked yet. He’s done it for me.  For instance, he made a gorgeous crockpot full of meat and veggies that I will turn on tomorrow. It should last for two or three meals. My miracle is that my husband and I have made a grocery list/ plan for the meal after that. I feel like it’s possible. What could be more abundant thinking than that?

I do still worry that this is all too much on my friends and family and that I will tire them by accepting help.  I don’t know what to do about that fear. I’m sure it stems from my longstanding tendency to overexert myself in tending to others.  I guess I have to have faith that others know their limits? Still working on that.

Speaking of limits, my daughter is bringing dinner for us tonight.  Honestly, I tried to tell her not to do this. She’s nine months pregnant with my second grandbaby.  I think about my daughter all the time, so pregnant, working full time, with a husband that travels. I wish so much that I were the one helping her.  Also, I’m complicated; bringing food to me requires such forethought. She’s got this, she says. My amazing, grown up girl.  

Meanwhile, things are always changing.  I had a good experience last night with a difficult medication.  I guess I thought that today, then, might be easier. It’s not. I’ve had to up my oxygen to 4 liters.  I can’t do a thing today. My grandbaby will be coming over in a little bit. I know I have to learn to just BE with her, rather than doing.  I won’t scoop her up. I’ll sit on the couch and let her come to me. I’m sure there’s Grace in learning this too. Being vs. doing and all that.  I’ve got to experience that one to get it, though.   

Balance.  My meds. My needs.  Depending on others. Reconfiguring how I relate.  All those pills and restrictions. Do I want to balance on the head of a pin?  Not really. But I want to be here, with my husband, my family and my friends. I want to notice all that joy that is accessible to me still.  I want to learn.

What Have We Here?

Yellow dog breathing beside me.  A special friend who knows me well enough to clear the way forward for me.  The sound of my dear husband’s squeaky chair as he writes. My Nora Jones Pandora station playing Clapton’s “If I Could Change the World.” My Candle flickering beside me.  Floor to ceiling windows allowing me to be outdoors on my inside day. My red hummingbird feeder, signaling my hopes that one or two little wonders will choose to stay with me over the winter.

Mindfulness comes a little more easily to those of us with heart failure.  We slow down. Our world contracts. We are more at home and more with ourselves.  

Over the past two years, my new specialized pacemaker has allowed my world to widen.  I’ve done things I never thought I could do again: walking downtown, eating out, paddling around a bit in the pool.  I stopped counting salt and water. I ate what I wanted.  

The shining glory and gold of this time was that I was able to be a grandmother to my  first grandbaby and to grow closer to my daughter and son-in-law. I can honestly say I took not one moment of my time with my granddaughter for granted. Not one moment. 

I did, however, begin to think that I was past heart failure; that perhaps my myriad other heart and health issues were all that was on my plate; that I could be the grandmother I wanted to be to Sam, that I could see my daughter and son-in-law through this next family transition, that I could, I could, I could…..

Instead, I’ve come home again.  My heart failure is back. And my Grandson is due to be born in November.

The timing is not at all what I wanted.  

And it all does break my heart, just a little.   

Back I go to noticing things in my small world.  I hear my dog sigh as he settles near me. I see the blues and pinks in my dining room.  I overhear my husband talking to a student who says: I always feel like a bother when I need help.  Indeed. Indeed.

I need help.

I let those words stand alone because, if I say them at all, I hurry past them.  I always feel like a bother when I need help, this young man admits. Hmmm. Turns out I do too.  But lucky me, I have people in my life who figure that out about me and who are so gracious, so kind and so much fun, that accepting help feels like the Blessing that it is.  These are some of the wonders that will stay with me over this winter of mine. How did I get so lucky?  

Maybe I’m finally going to learn to receive.  Imagine how much more I will have to give then.  Imagine what another period of mindfulness will teach me.  Imagine a world in which we all help one another, as we are able, and that what we can give without depleting ourselves is, most wonderfully, enough.

Imagine growing wise.  

Imperfect Vessels

As I have aged, I have become more appreciative of the vessel that is my body.  As time and illness and injury have each taken its toll on my physical vessel, I have come to regard my body as an imperfect, wonderous miracle.   It is with kinder eyes that I see myself now: lumps, bumps, bulges.  I can feel how hard my heart works, scarred though it is, to supply enough oxygen rich blood to get me up a short set of stairs or across the street.   It is an effort.  I notice that.  I appreciate it.  I’m thankful for it.

Conversely, as a young woman, I led a busy and very physical life.  Working.  Raising children.  Engaging in my favorite spiritual  past times:  hiking, swimming, kayaking, walking.  The list goes on and on.  I enjoyed using my body and I demanded a lot of it.  In significant ways, I took my youth, my beauty and my health for granted.  I was far to busy to THINK about it.  When I was still, I was in nature, thinking about oneness and connection.  I felt a great kinship with the land, the sea and the sky.  That meant a lot to me.  But I did not fully appreciate the vessel that allowed me to BE.

I imagine that my son and my husband, both of whom have had to contend with severe physical challenges, have long been more aware of their vessels.  Imperfection, physical imperfection, was and is something that they have to confront in every instance that they live and breathe in this world.  I will venture to say that I bet they never take their bodies for granted.  But those of us with fully functional  bodies usually do.  Until we age or until something goes wrong.

Rumi says there are a hundred ways to kiss the ground.   My way is through clay.  I make clay vessels, one of a kind, unique.  Each is meant to be a meditation on the beauty inherent in imperfection.   Invite me into your story and let me make a vessel in honor of your beauty.

Memorial Day Week end: First thing, Thank you to our vets

This week end I am especially thankful to our vets.  Our daughter, Emily, is dating a wonderful man, Joe, who will be going on his 8th tour of duty this fall.  He was in college during the time when 9/11 occurred.  Like so many brave young people, he enlisted within a couple of years of graduation.  He now serves as an Army Ranger.  We think the world of him.  I can’t imagine how his parents have endured these many deployments.  I pray that all of the troops come home soon and that we, as a country, stand by our vets and make sure they get all of the services they need.  

Yesterday I listened to Vice President Biden’s courageous words to our Gold Star Families.  He spoke from the heart to these families, first  recounting his despair after his wife and brother were killed in an automobile accident.  Vice President Biden was a young man, newly elected to the senate.  He had young children.  As you can imagine, he was devastated.  He told the families that he knew what it was like to want to commit suicide.  He acknowledged that some in the audience may struggle daily with such feelings.  He talked about the black hole of pain.  And he promised that if they were able to endure, that one day, when these families thought of their loved one, they would smile at a memory before the tears came.  And that would be a beginning.  Vice President Biden may well have saved some lives with this “straight talk.”  I am so proud of him.  The last thing these families need is platitudes.  They are in the trenches of grief and loss.  Vice President Biden essentially lit a lamp, held it high, and perhaps offered a path through the darkness for these families.  I will be praying hard for our vets and for the families of our vets this week end.  

Lighter matters:

Today I went to the Kennebunk plant and pie sale at the local hardware store.  I came home with some lemon basil and some chives.  I learned that the chive flowers (supposedly) can be used as an edible garnish to add taste and color.  I will be adding both the chive and the lemon basil to this week’s rice salad.  So, the base will be brown rice and lemon juice.  Add-ins are fresh herbs, red sweet peppers, aduki beans, scallions, corn, sweet peas, zest of lemon and orange.  I will put the rice dish on a bed of Arugula or I will sprinkle watercress on top.  Both of these greens are loaded with vitamins A and C.  Watercress has as much vitamin C as an apple.  In fact, it  has so many nutrients that it is known as nature’s multi-vitamin.  Check these greens out if you like the bitter greens of the early growing season.

Late night snack.  Oh, I have missed having milk and cereal before bed.  At last I have found low salt replacements.  Try Mom’s Best Sweetened Wheat-fuls.  An entire cup has only 10 mg sodium.  Wow!  And they taste great.  Really.  For a milk-like substitute, I am using Westsoy’s organic unsweetened soy milk that has only 30 mg sodium per cup.  It  isn’t quite as tasty as milk or other milk subs, but the salt content is far less.  Oh, both of these products pack a great protein punch.  5 and 9 grams, respectively.  I actually fell asleep before the sun rose this morning and I think this snack helped.  In addition, I tried some melatonin.  That seemed to help as well.  i’m hoping I can get my sleep cycle back in order.  I had forgotten how beautiful the morning is!!!  Ah, but I have already gone through a lot of my water supply for the day.  It is amazing how fast that 2 liters can go.

That’s all for now.  Gus is asleep on the couch.  Marc and his Dad are out having coffee.  Phyllis is relaxing and enjoying the day.  I hope you all have a great week end.

What a difference a day makes

Tomorrow night I increase my medication again.  This post goes out to my friends and family:  Please remind me that I will feel better as my body adapts.  If you get a call or a text or a post from me in the next few days, and I am having trouble, just remind me of this.